his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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