didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
