My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
