I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
