my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
