She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
