I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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