I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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