I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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