Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
