to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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