I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
