remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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