I just pynch a tree in the face
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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