i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
