I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
