you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
