i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
