if i can run in heels then i can drive
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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