This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
