So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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