dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
