atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
