so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
