I will die if light touches me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
