I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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