I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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