And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
