When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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