Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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