I cannot find my penis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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