I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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