I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
