found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
