you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
