i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
