I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
