Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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