Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
