i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
