I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize