Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
