How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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