So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
