Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
