we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
