when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
