Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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