I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
