I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
